How to Combat Loneliness by Prioritising Your Social Biome

Most of us know that to be healthy, we need to nourish our mind and body with nutritious food and exercise. But how much time do we spend focussing on our social nutrition? This essential component of our wellbeing often doesn’t get prioritised enough.

In this blog post, we’re going to explore how to enhance our well-being by nurturing our relationships and interactions every day.

To get expert insight on this subject, I invited Jeffrey Hall to join me on a recent episode of the Build Your Ideal Day Podcast. Hall is a Professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas and a visiting scholar at Harvard Law School's Berkman Klein for Internet and Society. He is a globally recognized expert in friendship, courtship, and social media, so he’s the perfect person to discuss social fitness with.

Our need for socialisation isn’t new - it’s evolved with us since ancestral times when we relied on meaningful relationships to keep each other and our children safe. We are naturally unsatisfied with feeling disconnected, and it’s important to respond to our feelings of loneliness and make plans to act on them.

Why is loneliness on the rise?

Unfortunately, we are not living in socially fit times. Governments throughout the world are even appointing ministers of loneliness due to the concerning growth of isolation. People are reporting feeling lonely at far higher rates than ever before.

But, what is causing so many people to feel alone? Is it social media, lack of community spaces, or something completely different?

To tackle loneliness, it’s important to understand what’s causing us to feel so isolated.

While investigating this question, Dr. Patricia Hawkley at the University of Chicago found that we’re seeing much higher rates of loneliness in young adult populations specifically. And she noted that, yes, as suspected social media likely plays a role here, but it’s far from the whole reason for lower wellbeing within this generation.

In fact, Dr. Hawkley suspects that it’s partly the ‘lack of trust’ that older generations have transmitted to a younger generation - a feeling that we can’t trust each other or our institutions.

This idea that a lack of trust leads to lower wellbeing isn’t new. On an earlier episode of this podcast discussing the World Happiness Report, we saw that countries with higher levels of trust also report being happier.

In relation to this, we are also living in a time when our perception of threats has really heightened; even though rates of poverty and access to healthcare are improving, our anxieties about these things seem to be bubbling over.

Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience Sociology at Caroline University in Utah, also suggests it could be that the younger generation has fewer siblings and spends less time with friends. Not to mention the fact that we’re often made to feel socialising is trivial and not worthy of prioritising. She noted that in the US, hanging out for fun is systemically deprioritised and seen as a low-value activity.

The pressure of workplace and education success may cause young people to put friendships on the back burner. However, studies repeatedly indicate that our social biomes are integral for a sense of wellbeing and even for our longevity.

What is our ‘social biome?’

You might have heard about the link between your gut microbiome and overall health - or if not, we have a blog post on how a healthy gut microbiome can lead to greater wellbeing - but did you know that the same can be said about our social biome? This is our individual ecosystem of social connections that equally plays an important part in our wellbeing.

In 2000, along with his co-author Andy Morela (University of California, Santa Barbara), Hall began researching the idea of the social biome and how a diverse range of interactions might lead to greater well-being. They began checking in on a sample set of people several times a day to see how they were doing, how their days were composed and if they’d had recent social interactions. They put together this short, 90-second video Mapping the Social Biome if you’d like to learn more about how this study.

Alongside the inevitable importance of deep connections, they also learned that trivial chitchat positively impacted loneliness; small talk that doesn’t tax us too much is essential, as it provides a sense of connection without taking up too much energy. Interestingly, they also learned that how we feel during solitude is a huge indicator of a healthy social biome.

The Ladder of Connection: How can busy people make connection a priority?

With so many things competing for our attention in the modern-day world, even Hall admits he has to actively and intentionally make meaningful connections a priority in everyday life.

Fortunately, if you make positive changes to overcome loneliness, then you have every chance of combatting it.

An important part of the social biome which Hall writes about is the so-called ‘Ladder of Connection.’ If you’re at the bottom of the ladder, you’re likely feeling very disconnected and alone. However, by climbing the ladder and taking the steps below, you can slowly build more positive interactions in your life.

1. Learn what makes you feel content when you’re alone.

Hall theorises that healthy solitude is critically important. Alone time is essential, but what’s more important is how we feel when we’re alone.

Work out what’s made you feel particularly disconnected during your alone time. Have you reached out to anyone that day? Do you not have any upcoming social plans on your calendar? We’re all different, so be curious and listen to what might be leading to greater feelings of solitude.

And when you do feel lonely during solitude, consider sending a text, showing kindness to a friend, or reminding yourself of all the people who care about you. If you can be content when you’re alone, you’ll tend to be socially healthier.

Hall notes that, interestingly, making connections is both nourishing but also energy-intensive! Many of us feel depleted after a big day of socialising. Check in with yourself and see when social activities are a good investment in your time, and whether it’s helping you feel more connected, or when you need time to yourself.

We are all different, and some of us might feel overextended when we plan too many social dates, so don’t feel pressured to keep actively socialising if you’re already feeling happy in your alone time. When you have good connections, it will have a residual benefit that will leave you still feeling connected when you’re alone.

2. Have a healthy relationship with social media.

The next rung on the Ladder of Connection is social media.

Despite its shortcomings, social media can have a truly positive effect when used for group chats with friends and two-way messaging with close ones. However, it also can have a side-effect of making people feel lonelier or even more disconnected and left out.

Pay attention to how you feel online and be specific about how you use social media. Unfollow or mute accounts if you notice they harm your mood (such as bringing up feelings of jealousy, loneliness, or sadness) and set a timer for your social media usage. Instead of passively scrolling without intention, prioritise time online for keeping up with friends and people you care about. Actively check in on them to see how they’re doing or share something that made you think of them.

After social media, the next level up on the ladder of connection is using technology to connect one-on-one - for example, with phone and video calls. This way, we can use technology to keep in touch and have meaningful moments of connection.

Unfortunately, many people reported ‘Zoom fatigue’ following the pandemic, so when you live locally with one another, prioritising face-to-face meet-ups is best. That said, Hall reminds us that any connection is better than no connection. There’s no perfect recipe for a healthy social biome, and we don’t always have the opportunity to meet up with loved ones in person. Those who feel deeply disconnected will always feel a bit better when texting someone than when doing nothing.

3. Prioritise face-to-face meetups

Make an active choice in how you interact with others and try to practice stronger forms of communication. Being together in person undoubtedly helps us feel the most connected.

Suppose you’re not spending time with friends and would like to, take positive action and make arrangements to see them. Make investments in these friendships and have fun.

If you’re working remotely, you’ll have a particular challenge when culminating in workplace friendships. Reflect on things that affect your wellbeing throughout the workday, and consider ways you can add more connection into your day. For example, you could work in a cafe or coworking space twice a week, schedule phone meetings rather than just emails with a colleague you like, or look for networking opportunities.

4. Get to know your neighbours.

During the pandemic, research suggests that community bonds strengthened in many places, as people were more likely to get to know their neighbours - even if just as a quick hello during a daily walk. These small interactions can help nurture a sense of belonging within our community, which is fantastic for our wellbeing.

Of course, neighbours can include anyone in your neighbourhood and not those who live directly next door! Chatting to people in the park when you walk the dog and getting to know your local barista are great ways to feel more tied to your community. Show genuine warmth and gratitude to those helping you at the grocery store and practise talking to strangers.

And if you feel lacking in friendships in your local area, make an effort to join in with community activities or partake in hobbies that will help you make friendships. If this sounds intimidating, there are some great ideas for doing this here:

5. Reflect and be intentional

‘Loneliness is a bit like hunger. It reminds you to reach out and nourish yourself.’

Unfortunately, there are no perfect recipes for a healthy social biome, so Hall can’t give us the perfect number of interactions or friendships we need! Instead, be reflective on how connected you feel, as it varies for all of us.

If you’re feeling disconnected, be very intentional and create a plan for creating a better social biome. For example, if someone has suggested going out for lunch, be intentional about making sure the possibility doesn’t just hang there. Be active in replying to text messages that could lead to new connections or friendships and follow through.

Important interactions that you can build into your day include:

Catching up with close friends or casual acquaintance
Meaningful (or deep) conversations
Joking around
Showing care
Listening
Valuing others and their opinions
And offering sincere compliments

6. A caveat - be patient with those experiencing loneliness

While these tips will help many of us strengthen our social fitness, it’s worth remembering that loneliness can be very difficult to heal. Be patient and considerate with those who are struggling with being alone.

Unfortunately, some people are in circumstances where they do not have meaningful relationships. This could be because they don’t have any family, are struggling economically, or have experienced trauma that makes it harder for them to socialise. The huge sense of loneliness that comes with this will time to resolve.

Well-meaning folks make connections sound easy, but it’s misguided to expect folks who don’t have anyone to reach out and be vulnerable. For example, it’s not fair to tell someone who’s estranged from their family to simply reach out to a mother they don’t get along with. We can’t optimise everything, despite what some wellness gurus would have us believe.

While people in these situations can still take positive actions, often therapy is the best first step. Easy social groups such as swim clubs, book clubs, carpentry groups, and knitting circles can be good low-stakes places to start.

Key takeaway: all sorts of interactions lead to a healthy social biome

Our social biome refers to much more than how many best friends you have, but the entire social tapestry of interactions you have throughout the day, and diversity in our social interactions leads to a healthy social biome. We can enhance our social fitness by talking to strangers, messaging friends, and prioritising face-to-face interactions.

Those with the healthiest social biomes do well at proportioning their time between weaker ties and their strong relationships, as well as understanding the value of connected solitude and finding time to be alone.

Talking to people from different backgrounds also helps broaden our worldview and show us new perspectives, so it’s really a win-win situation when say yes to invitations or reach out to others.

If you’d like to find out more about nourishing your social biome, look out for Hall and Merolla’s upcoming book Moments to Connect, which will be published by Yale University Press in early 2025.

duncan youngJanuary 31, 2024