Social Fitness - RUOK Day

Prioritising our social life can be hard. Everyone feels busy, works long hours, and feels time-poor.[1] For decades there’s been a decline in participation in community groups, yet today, the average daily time spent on screens is 6 hours and 40 minutes.

So what can we do about it?

Today is RUOK day in Australia, which advocates for having conversations with others to protect our mental health - and our lives. Time and time again, research shows us that social connections are integral for long-term happiness.

So with that in mind and in honour of RUOK day, today we’re going to talk about social wellbeing. Because when we take active steps to prioritise connections and community, we don’t just benefit our own mental health, but those around us too.

Our relationships matter more than we think. They’re not just a cog in our overall wellbeing, but one of the main predictors of longevity. Our social connections help us regulate negative emotions, navigate through stressful times, and even help us strengthen other interconnected pillars of wellbeing, such as physical health.

During the pandemic, I began interviewing a range of experts on this topic. Each of them acknowledged the struggles we have to balance modern-day life and work, while also providing us with clear insights on building our social wellbeing.

In this post, I am going to share four insights from four of these experts. Each one also provides an actionable step you can take today.

A caveat - Be patient if you, or a loved one, is struggling.

Before we get started, I just want to emphasise that while there are steps we can take to build social connections and benefit mental health, we also know that loneliness and depression are a huge barrier. Loneliness and feeling isolated is not a choice.

While the steps below will help others, we urge you to be patient with your loved ones (or indeed yourself) who are not ready to take these actions. A small step for one person is a huge mountain for another, so take all the time you need and get professional help if you need it.

While it’s always worth reaching out to others and asking ‘Are you okay?’ we also have to be patient - healing from trauma or mental health issues can take months, years, or decades.

As for loneliness, it too can be extremely difficult to heal and takes time to resolve. Some people are in circumstances that will make taking these steps harder, such as economic struggles, having no close family, or trauma which makes it harder to reach out and be vulnerable.

We know that making connections can be incredibly difficult, even if others make it seem easy. In many cases, therapy can be the best first step.

If you or a loved one is dealing with depression, please speak to your local GP for help or visit the R U OK? Find Help Page for a list of support services.

4 Expert Tips for Building Social Fitness

For those of you who feel ready to start building your social biome, read on for expert tips.

1.   Focus on Community (with Professor Andrew Leigh)

Andrew Leigh is an Australian parliamentarian and assistant minister for competition, Charities, and treasury. Previously, he was a Professor of Economics and studied social capital under political scientist Robert Putnam.

Despite many of us craving more human connection, it can be challenging to know where to start. With busy lifestyles and long working hours, it can be hard to nurture existing relationships, let alone build new ones.

Yet during the pandemic, research suggested that community bonds strengthened in many places, as people were more likely to get to know their neighbours - even if just as a quick hello during a daily walk.

During my conversation with Andrew Leigh, he demonstrated several practical ways that we can build a more connected Australia.

One of his top tips was to look out for community events or local volunteer initiatives that fit with your interests (such as planting trees if you’re interested in sustainability, or swimming groups if you enjoy getting into the water). This will help you have a sense of purpose or get fit, while simultaneously meeting like-minded people.

Being an active community member by saying yes to local events and getting to know our neighbours - even if it’s just with tiny interactions and small talk - can help us nurture a sense of belonging where we live. This has fantastic benefits for our overall wellbeing.

Take the first step: Over the next week, try to be more conscious of what’s going on around you. If you have time, you could look up community groups or events. If you’re time-poor, simply be aware of your surroundings - is there anyone who needs help carrying boxes to their front door or crossing the road, or a dog walker you see daily who you’ve never said hi to before? Now’s your chance!

Read more: How to grow your social capital.

2. Talk to Strangers (with Dr Gillian Sandstrom)

Dr Gillian Sandstrom is a Psychology lecturer at the University of Essex and a researcher on how well inconsequential conversations link to happiness.

A seemingly meaningless chat with your barista, another parent at the school drop-off, or a fellow dog walker isn’t so meaningless after all. In fact, according to researchers Sandstrom and Dunn, these short chats can boost your mood by 17%.

That’s why Gillian Sandstrom joined me to talk discuss how (and why) we should talk to strangers.

People underestimate the value of small seemingly inconsequential conversations, but on average,

those who have more small interactions every day with ‘weak ties’ are happier. In one study, we even saw that navigating across a university campus by asking for directions, as opposed to using a smartphone, actively increased happiness.

‘A growing body of research involving a pretty wide range of people has found that these interactions make them feel happier. They make them feel more connected to the places where they live. They help them expand their social networks. Talking to strangers can alleviate loneliness, it can boost even cognitive performance because it’s hard. It’s like exercising; when you work out hard you get stronger.’ Joe Keohane

And if you’re feeling shy, remember, chatting to a stranger is a mutually beneficial exercise - it’s just as much about boosting the wellbeing of your community as it is your own.

Take the first step: If you’re already comfortable talking to strangers, try to talk to someone new every day for a week. But if that sounds too overwhelming, try to make eye contact with a single stranger next time you’re out for a walk. You don’t have to have a full-blown conversation, just build confidence with a smile and a nod to a local barista or fellow dog walker.

Read more: How to talk to strangers.

3. Focus on Making Others Happiness (with Professor John Helliwell)

Professor John Helliwell is a Vancouver-based editor of the World Happiness Report which has been studying what is working well (aka happiness) across 157 countries annually and what makes for a happy life.

When John Helliwell joined me on the Ideal Day podcast, he gave great insights into what we can learn from the world’s happiest countries. We learned about the importance of being optimistic about the goodness of others and feeling trust in our communities, the power of good news and goodwill, and why we should help one another form more robust social environments.

John shared that If there's one thing we can take from the World Happiness Report, it's that looking at things from an individualistic point of view doesn't make us happier. So when we ask, 'How can I be happier?' we're thinking about happiness as something for us. We’re diminishing the idea of ‘happiness’ into something that we're in to gain if we find the right tricks and tips.

While it might sound confusing or even paradoxical, asking, 'How can I be happier?' does not actually make us happier.

The evidence shows that the better question is to consider the following:

●     What can I do to make other people happy?

●     What can I do to make a better society? What can I do to make my neighbours, local community, strangers and friends happier?

Helliwell points out that this conclusion has a lovely, combined message. Because when we begin finding answers to those questions, we actually will become happier ourselves.

Take the first step: When it comes to happiness, try shifting your mindset. Instead of thinking about how we can be happier, ask ‘how can I make other people happier?’ When the goal is the creation of happiness for everyone, the outcome is higher happiness for not only ourselves - but everyone else too. Whether joining a charity initiative, checking in with a friend who’s struggling, or getting involved in a local conservation project, we indirectly bring more value to the lives of everyone around us.

Read more: How to be Happier - According to the World Happiness Report.

4.   Build Your Social Biome (with Professor Jeffrey Hall)

Jeffrey Hall is from the University of Kansas and a globally recognized expert in friendship, Courtship. He’s also ‘social media famous’ for the Communicate Bond Belong (CBB) theory and the concept that our daily interactions could be considered as a ‘social biome’.

Our social biome refers to much more than how many best friends you have, but the entire social tapestry of interactions you have throughout the day - from chatting to strangers, messaging friends, reaching out to others, and creating social plans.

‘We can think of the different methods of communication available to us as rungs on a ladder,’ explains Jeffrey Hall

The lowest rung is social media - pay attention to how you use it by unfollowing/muting accounts that bring around negative emotions, and be specific by following accounts that uplift you (for example, by following wholesome online communities about your hobbies).

The next rung up is direct messaging a group – sharing memes or news on WhatsApp or Facebook. Then direct messages to people you want to keep in touch with. The next rung is phone calls and video chat – and top of the ladder is face-to-face conversation, the most nourishing of all forms of social contact.

While any of these steps on the ladder are better than none, and worthy of prioritising when we’re in a pinch, we should aim to climb the ladder and slowly build more positive interactions into our lives.

Hall also points out that we should be aware of how we feel when alone. Even for those of us who crave alone time (as socialising can be energy-intensive!), we should still take note of when we feel particularly disconnected. When feeling lonely during solitude, consider sending a text, showing kindness to a friend, making a future social plan, or reminding yourself of all the people who care about you.

Take the first step: Prioritise your social biome by marking a social activity in your calendar. Message a friend to see when they’re free for lunch, or dinner, or (if needed) schedule a phone call.

Read more: How to Combat Loneliness by Prioritising Your Social Biome.

[1] According to an OECD survey 80% of working adults report feeling time poor.